It has been a long time since my last post. I know i say this every time and it is true every time but life does get in the way. Although that sounds like a cop out but its true. This time though let me explain.
I had a little.......( i don't really know how to explain it simply in any other way).... it was basically a midlife crisis.

Now i probably should tell you a little about myself for this to make any sense, I am 23, male and come from an average up bringing, nothing too traumatic in my past. The issue that came up was that i really have no purpose in life, nothing to drive me to a goal or objective. This has always been in the back of my mind but to be honest i didn't take much notice because i always knew that i would be dead before i reached this age.... obviously i was wrong.

To deal with it i retraced my steps on where my basic morality and beliefs came from. I was christened Catholic but never had all the emotional baggage of having it drilled into me. This allowed me to open my mind to other teachings. I realize as i say this that it would be hard for me to pin down all the details that make up my base or core belief system but let me say that I do believe that i am a good person. I an not saying that i am a perfect role model for every little kid but it is not like there is going to be a 60 minute special on the less than perfect things i do either.

There just a couple more details i need to add before i really start, just to give you a basic understanding of my mind set before all of this. So I did get into the whole kony2012 thing for a while but when i really got down to the down and dirty of it i came to a realization (not willingly at first), everyone has an agenda. The people that say they are doing the most are usually doing the least and critsize anything that doesn't go through the usual channels that we have learnt from past experience are highly inefficient. On the other hand the people that you could say do act do so in ways that have huge flaws anyway. The truth is that certain issues can be handled in much better ways but the fact that there will be collateral damage is why no one will ever do them. This was the end of my belief that i could devote myself to helpping the world and also the end in any real faith i had in humanity as a whole.

It is not all bad though, this realization led me to the belief that i should focus more on the people close to me, the people i care about. Although it can be hard sometimes, there is not much in this world that means more to me than my family and friends.

Now we come to the bit which i think is more interesting: what actually was going through my head during this period. Just to recap, no purpose in life, no meaning, no reason to actually continue to do anything. This led me to fall back on certain (lets call them) philosophies that have stuck in my mind...

Lets start with Dostoevsky just to get it out of the way, unlike others such as Nietzsche there was no strong base (in the works that i read) in religion of any kind. What i found useful from this work during this period was that there is no god, or if there is then god is absent so it is up to you to work out your sense of self. Whether it be that there is no afterlife so what is the point or that because of this you need to make the most of your time.

I know that what you just read was an over simplification but keep in mind that i am only going to highlight points that are relevant. Also there is a lot of information that i can put in here, references to books, films, articles, paintings, photography, songs.....basically everthing but i don't have the time and because of our modern way of life i am guessing you probably don't have the attention spand.
Fight Club, if you watched this film at that certain moment in your life then I can almost guarentee that it has had an impact on you. Now what that impact was is a completely different story.

Notice i said 'watched' in that first sentence, lets face it, everyone who read the book watched the movie first. If you didn't clap clap for you, your special. Now getting to the point of relevance, the basic ideal behind fight club is that we have lost something. In this world run by corperations the individual doesn't matter anymore. Advertising has use chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can by shit me don't need. We are not hunters and gatherers anymore, we are more like worker bees, a part of a system.

Now don't completely disregard the civilized world, because of this fact we have cured diseases and human life expectancy has dramatically increased. The issue that is raised is, at what cost. At the core of what i am trying to get at here is that trying to revert back, to reset everything back to Zero like they try to do would cause anarchy. There would be wars over basic resources, the truth is we have no where near enough retainable food for everyone. Laying strips of venison on an abandoned superhighway is a beautiful thought, having to rely on your ability to survive but for that to happen millions will die. The question is, if you really stop and take a look around you, in this world where we are probably going to die out because of over population. If we reset everything back to zero even at such a high cost, would that really be such a bad thing?

Now we get to the part of how to deal with these realizations.
I used the book cover above because there was not enough content to really explain it in the film. Before you jump to any conclusions let me explain. Patrick Bateman is what society dictates he should be, he is well educated, wealthy, dresses well, has up to date knowledge of what is new and popular eg music. Why i am referencing it is simple, he is what we should strive to be if not already be. All you have to do is purge yourself of any sign of who you are as an individual. Like the old example in martial arts, how can someone pour anymore knowledge into your cup if it is already full. If you purge yourslef of emotions, individual thought, wants and needs then you can create a shell to fill with what you need to fit in.

Patrick Bateman's flaw was that he still had anger and bloodlust, whether he commited the acts or not is irrelevent, the issue is that he had the need to do it at all.

To be honest i don't know how to end this post, looking back through i realized that i have painted a quite worrying picture. The fact is that there is so much more to any stituation than can be summed up in a few paragraphs with a couple of references. The best i can do would be to try and be direct with some facts.

The solutions that i have come up with have seemed to put me at ease. I have started training regularly and have found something to drive me that is not rooted in emotiional reactions. In saying that, in my search for a solution i did come across information to suggest that purging yourself of emtional responses can be beneficial but it can come at a cost, if you block out saddness and pain then it can block out your ability to feel happy as well. This fact has led me to other forms of control that i am currently working on. The simplest way to explain it would be that i have adopted a more military style mentality when it comes to objectives and goals.


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